The Guilt of becoming a Jedi

So I have this computer game called Star Wars Galaxies. I have had it about a year and a half now. It is a Massive Multiplayer Online Game (MMOG) because thousands of people from around the world log on to play the game. In this game I get to fly an x-wing, attack stormtroopers and slowly crawl my way to becoming a Jedi.

I love this game, and am addicted to it.

For many reasons, this game is a wonderful tension reliever. First, after a bad day, there is no better stress relief that killing stormtroopers. They are the only villains that surpass Nazis in terms of a pure evil factor, so offing them feels like a service to the universe. Second, the game gives me a chance to interact with a world that has been part of my subconscious since I was five years old. After the dismal, unspeakably awful prequels (thank God that is over), this game is what has kept my fondness for Star Wars alive, because I control it and I keep my own rules about how Star Wars should work.

There is a third reason, possibly the most important reason, although it is not a very healthy reason. In this fake world, I am strong, powerful, successful, wealthy and known. In this world, I seek challenges and, for the most part, I emerge victorious. I can buy what I want, do what I want and I can know that I am stronger and deadlier than 90% of those around me. In short, I derive pleasure out of obtaining things in this fake world that have eluded me in the real one. As I said, this ain't healthy.

My real life is by no means bad, but it in no way matches with the expectations I had for myself growing up. This is both a good and bad thing. Growing up, I was convinced, down to my soul, that I would never marry or have a family. Dating was difficult for me and woman almost paralyzed me with fear. So the fact that I married a wonderful woman almost ten years ago and have two amazing kids is a constant source of joy and surprise in my life. I never expected it, I spent long hours getting ok with the fact that I would never have it, and I am grateful beyond belief that they are in my life. I would not alter my life in any way if it would jeopardize my relationship with them.

But, as sure as I was I would never marry, I was equally as sure I would be a filmmaker. I was positive that I would one day direct something that the world would love, or at least that enough people would love that studios would let me make another one. This has obviously not happened.

While I have not given up on film, in fact I just changed careers to make the possibility of filming movies a bit more realistic, I now must face the possibility that I will not achieve this dream.

And here is where Star Wars Galaxies comes back into the picture. In this game, my character achieves all of his dreams, or is engaged full time in ensuring he will achieve them. It is a wonderful feeling and one that should not be found in a video game. And I worry that I am letting my dreams fall to the wayside, because my character's dreams are achievable and gratifying to me.

I used to play the game constantly, occasionally ignoring wife and children for long swaths of time. This lead to a different kind of guilt (of being a bad husband and father) and one I could not handle, so I work hard to budget my time with the game. I play when the rest of the family is gone or (most often) when they are asleep in the late hours or wee hours of the morning. So I no longer feel like I am ignoring my family.

But I am ignoring my dreams. I have ideas for films. Numerous ideas. I think they are good ideas. But films do not come from ideas, they come from scripts based on those ideas. And scripts must be written. Writing is not my forte, it is very difficult for me, and I am unhappy with 99% of what I produce. So, instead of using these quiet times in the morning and evening to struggle over a script, to claw my way closer to my goal of being an honest-to-God filmmaker, I take the time and play Galaxies, where my goals are clear cut and much easier to obtain.

In Empire Strikes Back, Luke asks Yoda if the Dark Side of the Force is stronger. Yoda answers no, it is easier, quicker, but not stronger. This is where I find myself, struggling between my real dreams, a difficult path with no assurance of success at the end, and the goals of my fake character, easy to see, easy to reach, but ultimately empty. A virtual success or a real life potential failure. I never thought the choice would be as difficult as it is.

The Air Force Academy seems to have some issues

Why am I not surprised by a recent report showing that the Academy "promotes Evangelical Christianity and a climate of intolerance toward other religious beliefs", especially in light of the fact that the school is still dealing with a scandal from 6 months ago, when numerous sexual assaults were swept under the rug instead of disciplining the rapists.

This is the type of hypocrisy the Evangelical Christian movement thrives on. They tell me I am going to hell because I support abortion and gay marriage, but raping a woman is apparently no big deal.

I realize I am stretching a point. There is no evidence that the staff exposing born again theology were the same staff that assisted in the cover-up of sexual assaults, but where were the Born Agains when these woman needed them? All Christians should, at minimum, be united in the belief that raping woman is wrong and anyone who helps a Rapist escape prosecution is a sinner. Sadly, this does not seem to be the case.

I am hard pressed even coming up with a moral for this post, the connection is circumstantial, the news that Born Agains are a tad hypocritical and that Evangelicals have been infecting our military not all that much of a shocker. I guess I can only say that there is nothing, nothing, more unChristian than rape and no greater sin than to allow someone to sexually assault another with impunity. It is not a happy reminder, but one we could use every now and again.

Father's Day stuff

My lovely wife and children brought me one more movie closer to my goal of owning every musical ever filmed by purchasing one of my favorites, Brigadoon. Merideth and I watched it last night and Merlin watched about half.

A great present, and one more thing I can take off my amazon wish list.

Panic!!!!

Due to some computer problems, I had to reinstall Windows XP. Man, is that a harrowing experience. 30 minutes of terror as you sit and wonder if you will ever see your desktop again.

Wish me luck

I have an interview today with the school where I really want to work. I actually turned down a job offer because this interview was offered, so good thoughts and all that.

SICK!!

Well, not so much anymore, but the last few days have been a thrilling ride on the antibiotic express, as I allowed my lack of insurance and natural dislike of seeing the doctor turn a sore throat into a bad case of streep.

The drugs have now kicked in and I feel basically human again. Hopefully, I will soon have insurance so that I will not hold off so long next time. (FYI, the wife and kids have insurance, just not me).

The Tiny Report

OK, so it looks like my goal is shifting slightly to averaging one post a day for the month as last night I fell aslep trying to put my children to bed. With school out, they have quickly reverted to their night owl-ish habits. At about 10 pm, we settled into bed and read the latest chapter of The Lion, The Witch and the Wardrobe, which might be the greatest young person chapter bok in the history of the world. I am worried that Merlin is going to freak out upon (spoiler) Aslan's death, which is coming up next, but I doubt she will have any problem with the resurrection. Gavin enjoys cuddling up for the story, but he is usually out two pages into every reading, so the narrative is pretty disjointed for him.

Both the tinies are doing great. Merlin had a wonderful kindergarten year, got an award for Best Sense of Humor in her class, made good marks and learned tons. Merlin has been taking Kung Fu and recently got her yellow stripe belt. (This is a step between white and yellow belt for the younger kids). She is very proud of the fact that she is a higher rank that I.

Gavin is an inventing machine and can spend hours cobbling together bizarre creations with strange funtionality. While my favorite is still the use of a vacumn cleaner hose and a cup to deliver water from the sink directly to the toilet, all of his inventions seem to work as intended, even if we do not understand why. He is very excited about Kindergarten, and is upset that he can't start it right now.

A small note

I got a job offer yesterday, officially. English teacher at an Alternative Learning Center. Basically, when a kid becomes too disruptive in their traditional high school, they are sent to the alternative learning center for 30 days to correct their discipline problems. I was hoping for a job that would allow me to really connect with students over a year instead of over 30 days, but unemployment is freaking me out and I don't want to risk turning this job down and having no one else interested in hiring me.

I had a lot of witty comments for the day

But sadly, the wit has been beaten out of me by my first Kung Fu lesson. My muscles are in a state of revolt, and I am tired. Not sleepy, just bone-bone tired.

I know that in the long run, the physical exertion of Kung Fu will benefit me greatly, but right now, there is only pain.

It is 10:40 at night

I am sleepy, having had one Mike's Hard Lemonade too many.

Several months ago, as I was lamenting about my blog, I promised myself that the month of June would be Will Blog Month. I would be finished with student teaching (I have), I would be teacher certified (I am), Merideth would be off for the summer (she is) and the kids would be done with school (they are).

I told myself that by June 1st, everythig would be a little calmer, my life would run a little smoother and I would have the time to post on my blog. In fact, I would post every day in June, just to get back into the swing of things.

And yet, here it is, 10:46 and I have barely made my first deadline. An inauspicious beginning to say the least. But still, I made it, and hopefull posts will come a little easier from now on.

Tomorrow I will probably write about Kung Fu, which I am starting tomorrow. I am hoping flying comes early in the Kung Fu curriculum. A Fung Fu method to instantly lose 100 pounds would not be unwelcome either.

I feel like I have saved up lots of things to say, but worry that there moments have passed. Nothing earth-shattering or profound. Tales of Merlin and Gavin, of Merideth, of school and stress and money (well, the lack of it, anyway.) I am sure my diatribe on why Star Wars: Episode 3 sucked will work in here somewhere as well.

So good night, wish me Kung Fu luck, and start to drop by a little more often, those site meter numbers are more of a self-esteem booster than you might think.