The Guilt of becoming a Jedi

So I have this computer game called Star Wars Galaxies. I have had it about a year and a half now. It is a Massive Multiplayer Online Game (MMOG) because thousands of people from around the world log on to play the game. In this game I get to fly an x-wing, attack stormtroopers and slowly crawl my way to becoming a Jedi.

I love this game, and am addicted to it.

For many reasons, this game is a wonderful tension reliever. First, after a bad day, there is no better stress relief that killing stormtroopers. They are the only villains that surpass Nazis in terms of a pure evil factor, so offing them feels like a service to the universe. Second, the game gives me a chance to interact with a world that has been part of my subconscious since I was five years old. After the dismal, unspeakably awful prequels (thank God that is over), this game is what has kept my fondness for Star Wars alive, because I control it and I keep my own rules about how Star Wars should work.

There is a third reason, possibly the most important reason, although it is not a very healthy reason. In this fake world, I am strong, powerful, successful, wealthy and known. In this world, I seek challenges and, for the most part, I emerge victorious. I can buy what I want, do what I want and I can know that I am stronger and deadlier than 90% of those around me. In short, I derive pleasure out of obtaining things in this fake world that have eluded me in the real one. As I said, this ain't healthy.

My real life is by no means bad, but it in no way matches with the expectations I had for myself growing up. This is both a good and bad thing. Growing up, I was convinced, down to my soul, that I would never marry or have a family. Dating was difficult for me and woman almost paralyzed me with fear. So the fact that I married a wonderful woman almost ten years ago and have two amazing kids is a constant source of joy and surprise in my life. I never expected it, I spent long hours getting ok with the fact that I would never have it, and I am grateful beyond belief that they are in my life. I would not alter my life in any way if it would jeopardize my relationship with them.

But, as sure as I was I would never marry, I was equally as sure I would be a filmmaker. I was positive that I would one day direct something that the world would love, or at least that enough people would love that studios would let me make another one. This has obviously not happened.

While I have not given up on film, in fact I just changed careers to make the possibility of filming movies a bit more realistic, I now must face the possibility that I will not achieve this dream.

And here is where Star Wars Galaxies comes back into the picture. In this game, my character achieves all of his dreams, or is engaged full time in ensuring he will achieve them. It is a wonderful feeling and one that should not be found in a video game. And I worry that I am letting my dreams fall to the wayside, because my character's dreams are achievable and gratifying to me.

I used to play the game constantly, occasionally ignoring wife and children for long swaths of time. This lead to a different kind of guilt (of being a bad husband and father) and one I could not handle, so I work hard to budget my time with the game. I play when the rest of the family is gone or (most often) when they are asleep in the late hours or wee hours of the morning. So I no longer feel like I am ignoring my family.

But I am ignoring my dreams. I have ideas for films. Numerous ideas. I think they are good ideas. But films do not come from ideas, they come from scripts based on those ideas. And scripts must be written. Writing is not my forte, it is very difficult for me, and I am unhappy with 99% of what I produce. So, instead of using these quiet times in the morning and evening to struggle over a script, to claw my way closer to my goal of being an honest-to-God filmmaker, I take the time and play Galaxies, where my goals are clear cut and much easier to obtain.

In Empire Strikes Back, Luke asks Yoda if the Dark Side of the Force is stronger. Yoda answers no, it is easier, quicker, but not stronger. This is where I find myself, struggling between my real dreams, a difficult path with no assurance of success at the end, and the goals of my fake character, easy to see, easy to reach, but ultimately empty. A virtual success or a real life potential failure. I never thought the choice would be as difficult as it is.